Parent FAQs on Catholic Religious Vocations

General Parent FAQS on Catholic Religious Vocations

These answers may change over time. Please consult a priest or religious.

If God is calling your son or daughter to serve the Church as a priest or consecrated religious person, fulfillment, happiness, and holiness of life will only be fully realized by faithfully responding to this call. The Church recognizes with great respect and appreciation this sacrifice of parents. We trust that God will bless you abundantly, in ways you may not understand now, through your son or daughter’s happiness.

What is a vocation?

A vocation is a calling. For Catholics it means the state of life God asks us to live. There is one vocation for every baptized person and that is holiness. Holiness is living constantly in the presence of God and having a living relationship with God. This relationship is cultivated by prayer and the Sacraments. Everyone is also called to a particular vocation in life, beyond living a life of holiness.

As a parent, I am not sure how to react.

Parents often assume that the peak of human experience is married love and that to choose any other path in life is somehow to settle for second best. From this perspective, it can be confusing to learn that a son or daughter is considering a celibate life as a priest or religious. But each child is a gift from God so parents whose child is called to the priesthood or religious life have the opportunity to offer their child back to God as a gift in return. It is an immense honour to have a son or daughter called into God’s service as a priest or religious. The work they do and the life that they lead will have eternal significance. However it may seem right now, it is a great blessing for a family and one for which to thank God.

What is the role of parents in encouraging vocations?

Ultimately you love and support them. The grace that God gives parents is what best nourishes and supports the young person. Thinking always as your son or daughter first is best. Continue to have expectations of him or her.

How can parents talk about Church vocations when what they know about from personal experience is married life?

Parents can talk to their children about the importance of discovering God’s purpose in their lives. It can be helpful to them to hear how you discovered that you were called to marriage. As Catholics, each of us has a responsibility to learn about each vocation so that we can support others. Parents need to learn about and understand Church vocations as well as marriage and single life. Some resources for doing this are personal contacts with priests and sisters, reading the lives of the Saints, literature about Church vocations, and web sites such as this one.

How should I react if my son or daughter talks to me about becoming a priest, nun, or brother?

If this hasn’t happened yet, maybe you ought to ask yourself how you or your spouse might react. Would it be shock? Concern? Skepticism? Would this be a dream come true for you or your worst nightmare? Knowing and understanding your own feelings and your reasons for them is an important step in knowing how to respond to your son or daughter. The vast majority of teens today feel that if they told their parents they were even “just thinking” about priesthood or religious life, their parents would be completely opposed to the idea, laugh at them, or in some other way not take them seriously. A vocation is quite simply a call from God. God gives each one of us a vocation and has blessed us with certain abilities and talents. Some of us are called to be married. Others are called to be single. Still others are called to the priesthood or to religious life. One vocation is not better than another. We hope that if your child shows an interest in religious life or the priesthood you will be supportive and encouraging. I just found out my son or daughter is well along in the decision to enter seminary or a religious community.

My child has a chronic illness or a health condition. They wish to enter religious life or seminary. What is my role in encouraging their vocation?

If your child has a chronic illness or health condition, they are not automatically barred from entering religious life or seminary. Religious communities and seminaries often discern this matter on an individual basis. However, just as this concerns you, it is likely something your child is thinking about. That said, love and support your child. Just as you would not let your child’s condition be an obstacle for any other career, assure them that you will do all you can to support them in making their condition a mere factor in discernment and not an obstacle. God will make their path clear.

Why did he or she not speak with me?

Try not to be offended or hurt that your son or daughter didn’t confide in you until now. When considering a calling, men and women often wish to keep things confidential from the people closest to them until they are ready to talk about it. Rest assured your son or daughter both needs and desires your support and encouragement. In fact, your support as a parent is most likely valued more than that of any other figure in your son’s or daughter’s life.

We are not a very religious family. Where did this vocation come from?

Some parents are taken aback by their son or daughter’s news of discernment to serve the Church because they do not consider themselves to be a particularly religious family. While a child’s faith, worship, and vocational plans are oftentimes influenced by family practices and expectations, a vocation to serve the Church is a call from God, the author of all life. This call is intensely personal. Although your son desires to discern his call with great attention and fidelity, you are not obliged to alter your current religious practices unless you wish to do so. Still, your son will certainly benefit greatly from your support during his discernment.

If I had provided a better model of marriage for my child, would he or she have chosen to marry?

Some parents have expressed remorse that had they offered a more functional, loving model of marriage that their son or daughter would have chosen a married vocation over a single-hearted vocation to serve God’s people and God’s Church. In other words, an attitude is adopted, “It’s my fault that my son is discerning a vocation to the priesthood.” This is very rarely a reality and this sense of causal-guilt should be abandoned. Although a functional, loving model of married life in the household is very beneficial, several, healthy models of marriage are present in the lives of children and young adults among neighbors, extended family, parishioners, coaches and teachers to name only a few. A vocation comes to a young person in the form of a personal call from God and should never be seen as a last or only option due to a limitation of choice.

How can I best support my son or daughter as he or she discerns?

This is another common anxiety. In many other moments in your child’s life, you have felt ready to offer sound advice from your own past experiences. However, because vocations to the priesthood or consecrated life are such unique calls, you may feel unqualified to offer helpful advice. One helpful question you can ask is, “What is the most important thing I can do to assist and support you?” This simple question will mean a great deal. It is a further sign of your unconditional love as a parent. Prayer will, of course, help. Listen without judging or criticizing and reassure your child that whatever the decision, you will love and accept him. Don’t start treating your child differently, and be honest with him about your worries and concerns about a vocation. Another helpful question is, “Is your discernment of a vocation something that you’d like me to keep confidential at the moment?” This will assure your son or daughter of your respect for his or her “pace” of discernment and of its public knowledge. I am worried that my son or daughter is not suited to serve the Church. These same concerns are commonly expressed by the very individuals who are in discernment, and are usually due to certain temperaments or failings. The priesthood and religious life requires a high caliber of skills, abilities, and psycho-sexual maturity. However, they are not reserved to “the perfect.” If every young man who experienced the first movements in his heart to serve the Church waited until he felt completely worthy to begin his discernment, we may not have any priests at all! A genuine vocation is not measured by one’s feelings of worthiness, but rather by one’s desire to respond to God’s call to serve the Church as a disciple of Christ. The academic and formation programs offered in the seminary and in religious communities seek to develop natural skills and abilities and to remedy any weaknesses or deficiencies. Before the discernment process reaches this stage, however, the most supportive action parents can take is to encourage their son or daughter to be faithful to God’s call. Is it normal for my son or daughter to have doubt and faith throughout the process? Yes, doubt and faith are both part of the process of discerning and preparing for a vocation; questioning is normal and doubt is part of being human. Having doubts about one’s abilities and worthiness will happen. But we have to tell ourselves that it is God’s Grace that affects the change in us and that makes this possible. We need to realize that sometimes we will naturally move forward under our own excitement and sometimes we will need to very consciously put one foot in front of the other.

What if my son or daughter changes his or her mind? What happens if my son leaves seminary before its completion?

Discernment is an ongoing process. Becoming a candidate with a diocese or religious community does not mean that your child is obligated to become a priest, sister, or brother. Formation directors will help your child discern whether this choice is a good one. Your child may decide that he or she is called to serve the church in some other way, while being married and raising children. Prayer and reflection will help your child develop a better sense of God’s call. It is possible that your son could spend as few as five days or as many as five years in seminary and discern that a life of single-hearted service in the Church is not for him. There is nothing shameful about withdrawing from a program for this reason. The time spent in formation should never be considered a waste. Your son will have grown in holiness, self-awareness, and in personal maturity through the entire process of discernment and by his or her time in a formation program.

Who pays for everything?

Each religious community and diocese establishes its own financial policies concerning its candidates. Typically, candidates for a religious community are expected to cover the cost of their tuition, room and board and other related expenses until they profess vows. Dioceses often help their seminarians cover part of their expenses. For both, candidates for religious communities and dioceses, scholarships, loans and grants are available. A lack of finances should never prevent someone from responding to God’s call to religious life or the priesthood. Speak to your diocesan vocation director to learn more.

Do priests and sisters remain connected to their families?

Yes, priests and sisters continue to support and be supported by the members of their families. They visit family members and take part in family celebrations and events. Many families find an even stronger bond with children and siblings who have chosen a Church-related vocation. In a unique way, the parish/community also becomes an extended family for them. If your son’s discernment leads him to enter seminary, his departure will be similar to a son leaving home to attend college or to enlist in the military. There will be an inevitable transition period for all parties. If a son enters seminary to study for the priesthood, he will most likely make visits home during Thanksgiving, Christmas, and over the summer vacation each year. Throughout his formation in seminary, he will be encouraged to maintain and develop family relationships through occasional visits and by frequent communication.

I am worried that my son or daughter will be lonely living a celibate lifestyle.

There is a difference between aloneness and loneliness. A celibate life can be a fulfilling life. Moments of solitude or aloneness are required for prayer, reflection, homily preparation, and rest. Still, no vocation is immune to loneliness; every human being has some lonely moments, whether he or she is married, single, priest or religious. Priests and religious must always be vigilant in maintaining healthy relationships with family, friends, brother priests, parishioners, and/or fellow members of one’s religious community, as well as enjoying recreational pursuits. I’m sad I’ll never be a grandparent or have a daughter- or son-in-law. This is a common response from parents; but, in fact, there are no guarantees you would be one even if your child had not entered the priesthood or religious life. Although the presence of grandchildren would offer much happiness, every parent desires first and foremost that their son or daughter live a joyful and fulfilled life.

Is it normal to feel hurt, sadness & loss when my child is doing something so wonderful?

Yes! It would be expected that you will feel these emotions and countless others as you process the changes in your life and that of your family. This is not unlike the stages of grief, and everyone will internalize and externalize these stages differently.

Is my child’s community taking the place of our family?

No, the community does not take the place of one’s family. The communities love families and embrace the opportunity to become an extension of the families. With time, you may find that the religious brothers or sisters become like family to you.

Why are there restrictions placed on communication and visits?

This is one of the most difficult elements to understand and come to terms with. In short, just as a soldier cannot bring their family to the battlefield if he wishes to fight the enemy or a child cannot have their parents living with them at boarding school if they wish to gain independence, religious brothers and sisters cannot have their families with them and serve God in the way He is calling them to serve. This aids them in dedicating their love and service completely to God.

Are young people entering religious life today?

Yes. A sense of call, service, and prayer continue to attract people to religious life. Most religious orders have at last one person who has entered the community recently. The average age someone first considers religious life is 19 years old, so it’s not uncommon for high school students and young adults to ask questions about vocations. Similar to the vocation of marriage, 30 is the average age of entrance into religious life. There are over 1 million nuns, sisters, brothers, and priests in the world today.

What is the best age for my child to enter religious life or seminary?

The best answer to that question is “whenever they are ready.” One person may be ready to begin the process at the age of 18, while another, at age 26, may not be. Self-knowledge and an understanding of the sacrifices and joys of life are important. During the time of discernment, it is also important that she reflect on her motives, seek information on religious life and on the community to which he or she feels called, and determine their own fitness for life. Although it is to be expected that a young woman desiring to begin the process of religious formation may have areas in which they need to grow in personal maturity if they have an immature attitude about the reality of living religious life or priesthood, they might be advised to wait before entering the community or seminary. Health complications and financial concerns can also delay entrance.

Our child has a career they enjoy. Will they have to give this up for work they do not like?

“For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope” (Jeremiah 29:11). In His plans for us, God always has our ultimate happiness in mind. His invitation to this greater happiness can involve the sacrifice of good, even very good, things such as a promising and enjoyable career. Since God knows our hearts even better than we know our own, his invitation is, at the heart, an invitation to trust Him, to trust that His plans can bring us a joy “beyond our wildest dreams”. Thus if the Lord is truly directing someone to a community with an apostolate different from the work they currently do or the work they have imagined for themselves, they can be confident that the Lord will provide all that they need to fulfill their mission and to find joy in doing so.

Why are there so many different religious orders?

People have founded religious orders and societies of apostolic life throughout the centuries to focus on particular works of mercy to respond to unmet needs of people who are neglected, abandoned or marginalized. Among the approximately 2,000 religious orders (or institutes) worldwide, with at least 300 religious institutes in England and Wales, and 700 religious institutes in the United States, each has a unique spirituality, mission and charism (or spirit) that defines the way members pray, live, and serve. Apostolic, cloistered, contemplative, evangelical, and monastic are common forms of consecrated life.

Is religious life or priesthood lonely, especially with elderly members?

Every man or woman — married, single, or a sister — has some lonely moments. That is part of the human condition, and the restlessness we feel until we rest in God, as Saint Augustine described it. But when a person has a sense of truly being where God wants her to be, involved in vital ministries, making a difference, doing good, and enjoying diverse and fulfilling friendships, that person is rarely lonely. Living in a community opens members to many life-giving experiences, including intercultural and intergenerational living. The oldest members in a community model commitment, perseverance, and wisdom and are often the biggest inspirations, advocates, and mentors for the newest members. And they are often the most fun!

Will my child use their education and talents in religious life?

Absolutely. Education is important for women and men religious, with at least 70% having college degrees before entering religious life and many earning at least one graduate degree. A parent’s concern that their child is “throwing their life away” could not be further from the truth. Women religious put their talents and gifts to use in service to others — something that gives them immeasurable joy. And far more religious work in the field in which they received their degree(s) than non-religious do. Who does not want that for their child? Many religious communities provide opportunities for lifelong faith formation and professional development by way of additional degrees, workshops, conferences, retreats, and college courses.

What happens if my child becomes ill? As the years go on and she grows older, who will take care of her?

When your child joins a community, she joins a family. There will be younger and older men or women in their community who truly become their brothers or sisters and they will love and care for your child as she does for them. They will also love, care and pray for you as part of their family.

Can’t my child be of service to the church as a volunteer or associate? Is taking vows and belonging to a religious community necessary?

Certainly. Generosity of heart is required of all Christians, whether married, single, ordained, or consecrated. However, the way that generosity is expressed is unique to each individual. All of us must answer the call we hear that we believe will give us the greatest sense of wholeness and purpose. For priests, sisters, or brothers, their total gift of the self to God and others demands the support of a community and a commitment to their vows.

With the demands of ministry, how do religious communities and priests face stress and avoid burnout?

Religious communities and seminaries are built on maintaining a balanced lifestyle. In all forms of religious life, there are scheduled times for personal and communal prayer, meals, recreation, retreats, and celebrations. In addition, your child will form friendships, engage in exercise, and set aside time for being “off duty.” All of these activities, when done consistently, can prevent burnout and minimize stress. While the church is not looking for perfect people to lead, our dioceses and religious communities need people who are healthy, holy and joyful.

I support my child’s vocation, but my spouse does not. What should I do?

When a child opts for a way of life — any way of life — that parents are not expecting, a mother or father can experience a sense of loss. All parents have dreams for their child’s future. Talk openly to your spouse about his or her thoughts and feelings. Help all family members to voice their concerns. Next, ask the vocation director for books or articles that might give concerned family members a deeper knowledge of your child’s chosen vocation. It may also be helpful to speak to other parents with similar concerns. A vocation director would be able to help connect you with other families.

Encouragement and support from parents and family members is invaluable to a loved one considering religious life. Take time in prayer and ask God to give you the grace to accept your child’s decision and trust God will provide you comfort and joy as your child fulfills his or her unique call.

My child has hobbies that they enjoy. Will they be able to do these in seminary or religious life?

Certainly. Many orders provide time for recreation, including sports, sewing, games, baking, and more! If your child’s hobby is very important to them, encourage them to find a religious community that has incorporated that hobby into their daily leisure time or is open to doing so.

Do priests or religious receive paychecks?

Catholic priests and religious receive finances, but it is typically structured as a stipend or stipend-allowance rather than a corporate paycheck, usually covering living expenses and providing a small amount of spending money. Those in religious orders (e.g., Jesuits, Franciscans) take vows of poverty and typically direct all earnings to their community.

What will happen to my child’s inheritance and current wealth?

Whether or not your child may inherit and how their current wealth will be managed will depend on the type of vows they take.

Can my child travel or go on holiday once they become a priest or religious?

Except for those who join cloistered communities, priests, and men and women religious may be permitted travel. However, your child’s ability to travel will depend on the religious order they join and the vows they have taken.

Can my child see their siblings?

Yes. Just as parents are able to visit their children, siblings may also visit.

Can my child visit family members who become ill?

Do not fret. Religious communities very often allow the religious to visit ill family members. If you have a family member with a known illness, this is something about which your child may inquire as they discern which community they will join.

Do priests or religious retire?

Nuns may retire from active ministries (e.g., teaching) upon them being unable to adequately or practically serve in the specific capacity. This may extend to friars. Priests typically retire from active full-time ministry between the ages of 70-75.

Do priests or religious wear the same clothes each day?

Your child’s apparel will depend upon the order they join.

Can my child take personal items with them into the religious community?

This would depend on the order. In general, your child may be able to take small items with them such as a rosary or bible.

Can I speak to my son on the telephone once he enters seminary?

Certainly. There are often scheduled times for seminarians to call home and family.

Can I speak to my daughter or son on the telephone once they enter the religious community?

Yes. Specifics will depend on the order they join.

In terms of living arrangement, what is the difference between contemplative and apostolic orders?

Contemplative orders often live and conduct their work within the walls of the convent, abbey, monastery, or religious house. Apostolic orders often conduct their work outside of the walls of the religious house.

Will my child receive adequate nutrition?

Most certainly! Adequate nutrition is key to cultivating spiritual health. Your child’s nutrition will be well looked after.

Can I dine at restaurants with my child once they enter religious life?

This would depend on whether your child was in a cloistered or an apostolic community, and on the specifics of that community.

Does my child always have to wear their vestments or habits if they are outside of the religious community?

This would be influenced by the religious community your child joined.

May I visit my child and bring sweets and gifts for the community?

This would depend on the rules of the religious community, but in most orders, it would be welcome, provided it was scheduled and planned.

What if I do not believe my child is ready to make such a life-long commitment?

All of us need a time of preparation if we are to make a commitment that is to be permanent. This is certainly true of a commitment to give oneself entirely to God through religious consecration. For this reason the Church required that religious vows be made for a specific period of time and then renewed prior to acceptance for final profession of vows. This enables the young man or woman to continue their formation while actually living the vows of poverty, chastity and obedience. They receive the grace of the vows as they are formed in living the vows. These are years in which they continue to prepare for perpetual profession. Readiness for commitment is the fruit of a young man or woman’s receptivity to God’s grace and openness to formation. It is rooted in the conviction that they are responding to God’s loving call to them personally. Your child’s desire to give themself through religious profession is one of spousal love, a love of choice. They desire to give themself entirely to God, who gives Himself to them. In trusting God’s plan for their happiness, your child finds the freedom to commit their entire life to Him.